Risking Your Heart: Online Dating
When a friend encouraged Daniela Castagnino to try online dating, her thoughts immediately turned to what could go wrong. What if no one responded? What if her time away from the dating game had left her rusty? What if the person she met killed her and chopped her into pieces?
They were some of the same questions millions of Americans debate every day when they decide whether or not to sign up for an online dating service — with one significant difference: Castagnino is a quad.
While presenting some obvious new wrinkles for those wanting to pursue online dating, having a spinal cord injury can magnify many of the doubts and concerns that face potential online daters. Can an online match see past the wheelchair? If no one responds, is it because of you or the wheelchair? How do you proceed to ensure your physical safety? Castagnino considered all these questions and decided to take the plunge.
Reject Fear of Rejection
Castagnino is not alone. The latest surveys show that over 40 million Americans are using online dating services. That’s roughly 40 percent of all the single people in the United States. Online dating is a $2 billion industry and based on common sense and the number of websites specifically targeting daters with disabilities (see sidebar), there are a lot of wheelchair users out there trying to figure out how to get in the game.
As one of the more well-known relationship experts in the SCI community, Tiffiny Carlson has helped many people deal with all sorts of anxieties around online dating. In 15 years of meeting people online, Carlson, a C6 quad, has gone from nervous noob to seasoned veteran.
“When I was 19, I was like, ‘Oh he’s not gonna like me because I’m in a wheelchair,’” she says. “Now I don’t give a hell. It’s really empowering to be in my 30s.”
The first piece of advice she gives wanna-be daters with SCI is simple: Don’t worry about rejection. “That’s going to happen no matter what,” she says. “Thank god we live in a world with a lot of people out there, so even if you get rejected, you can always go back out there and find somebody else. There’s always another person to date – you’ve just got to go back out there.”
That’s right in line with what Robert Cella, a C5 quad from Thunder Bay, Ontario, has learned in his six years of online dating. He has adopted a “no harm, no loss” approach that boils down to: If it works, great; if not, move on. “Online dating for someone in a wheelchair is no different than anyone else dating,” he says. “It’s really a numbers game.”
Wayne Stillerman found his fiancé by playing that numbers game, and his success motivated him to try and capitalize on it, turning the numbers into dollars. A natural extrovert, Stillerman, 52, had no hesitations jumping into online dating even with his MS. Yet he saw others with disabilities struggle to find the sense of community he enjoyed.
“Putting yourself out there is without a doubt something that people fear,” he says. “I wanted to inspire people with disabilities to get out there and communicate with people.”
In 2009 Stillerman and a friend launched Datebility.com, a website tailored to help connect people with disabilities. The site lasted about a year, during which Stillerman says it signed up “a few hundred” members. Stillerman cites a lack of capital and a web interface that couldn’t accommodate the necessary back and forth communication for successful matchmaking as the reasons for its downfall. He agreed that another reason for Datebility’s failure might have been the simple fact that many people with disabilities aren’t looking to limit their romantic possibilities to other people with disabilities.
Reveal Your Disability?
Instead of focusing on disability, Cella and others suggest trying not to dwell on it. That doesn’t mean to hide your disability or lie about its impact – everyone agreed honesty is key – simply, don’t make it the centerpiece of your search for romance or your budding relationship.
“Throw [your disability] out there and then if someone wants to ask you a question about it, answer it and be honest,” he says. “Focus on who you are and things that are at the heart of you, and the person will see who you are.”
Cella says he doesn’t mention that he uses a wheelchair in his profiles to avoid people focusing solely on that detail (see sidebar). While Carlson tends to explicitly state her disability in profiles, Cella prefers teasing the issue. “I’ll say something like, ‘You’ve never met anyone quite like me.’ That alludes to the fact that there is something different about me, but I don’t get them centered on the wheelchair at first.”
Whether or not you advertise your disability, talking about it can be a good way to quickly sort the potential mates from the rejects and the creepers. Cella estimates that 60-70 percent of the women he corresponds with shut down when he informs them of his disability. The remainder fall into three groups: those who don’t mind the disability, those who aren’t sure and the creepers. Cella encourages the first two to ask any questions they may have, including intimate ones.
“I’d rather someone ask a question if they have one, because I’d rather answer it than have them erroneously assume something that isn’t accurate,” he says. “The more you put out to the other person, the more they buy into it.”
Carlson has found that the respondents who stick through the questioning are often worth the effort.
“You’re going to find someone that can overlook (that you are in a wheelchair)?” she asks. “Odds are that’s going to be a quality person.”
As for the creepers, trust your senses, stick to public meeting places, and have a plan for dealing with them – whether it’s a friend on hand or something else.
Don’t let the possibility that you will encounter someone with sketchy ulterior motives deter you from getting your feet wet. Remember, you’d have to deal with similar people if you didn’t have a spinal cord injury.
'Be Picky'
Everyone agrees that finding a quality person who matches up with your interests isn’t going to happen overnight.
“Just try to have fun at the beginning,” urges Carlson. “Don’t try to find the love of your life right away. Go on a few dates and try to get your bearings back and see how [dating] is. Get your confidence back and realize there are people out here who are going to like you.”
For Carlson, it took years of dating and experimenting to find what worked, but now she feels fully in control of her persona and approach. She is upfront about her expectations and directly asks dates what they are looking for.
“In the beginning I was just glad a guy wanted to go on a date with me,” she says. “You learn that you’re just as great as any other chick out there, so you shouldn’t be going on a date and feeling grateful, you should be picky.”
Stillerman thinks many tentative daters with disabilities will be surprised by the high number of interested respondents.
“People will want you,” he says. “You’re not your MS. You’re not your paralysis. You’re you. People will respond to that in a positive way.”
Success
Castagnino chose Match.com and created a profile that emphasized her love of live music and her social nature. She posted some pictures, including ones that showed she used a wheelchair. She got a few bites but none that went anywhere. Then, just when she thought her profile had expired, she got a message from a new guy.
Wanting to take it slowly, Castagnino got to know him via Internet chat. The conversations grew more frequent and deeper and soon the two were watching shows at the same time on the Internet and chatting about them. After three months of chatting online, Castagnino agreed to a date. Their date was the first time either had heard the other’s voice, and while Castagnino admits it was slightly awkward, it was good enough to schedule a second date. Many dates and about a year later, Castagnino and her beau moved in together.
Despite all of her concerns prior to posting her profile, Castagnino is a proud advocate for online dating. “I can’t say it would work for everybody, but it was exciting for me,” she says. “I feel like I got pretty lucky.” And her concerns about being cut into little pieces? “I’m still in one piece!” she is happy to report.
Reference: http://www.spinalcord.org/risking-your-heart-online-dating/
